{"id":1436,"date":"2017-04-03T18:52:45","date_gmt":"2017-04-03T18:52:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mylovethinks.com\/?p=1436"},"modified":"2017-04-03T18:52:45","modified_gmt":"2017-04-03T18:52:45","slug":"how-to-fight-fair-in-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.mylovethinks.com\/how-to-fight-fair-in-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"How to fight fair in relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><script data-leadbox=\"14089bb73f72a2:1469aed2b746dc\" data-url=\"https:\/\/mylovethinks.leadpages.co\/leadbox\/14089bb73f72a2%3A1469aed2b746dc\/5748809699164160\/\" data-config=\"%7B%22type%22%3A%22time%22%2C%22settings%22%3A%7B%22seconds%22%3A10%2C%22days%22%3A0%2C%22views%22%3A0%7D%7D\" type=\"text\/javascript\" src=\"https:\/\/mylovethinks.leadpages.co\/leadbox-1491234246.js\"><\/script><script data-leadbox=\"14089bb73f72a2:1469aed2b746dc\" data-url=\"https:\/\/mylovethinks.leadpages.co\/leadbox\/14089bb73f72a2%3A1469aed2b746dc\/5748809699164160\/\" data-config=\"%7B%22type%22%3A%22exit%22%2C%22settings%22%3A%7B%22days%22%3A0%7D%7D\" type=\"text\/javascript\" src=\"https:\/\/mylovethinks.leadpages.co\/leadbox-1491234246.js\"><\/script>Fighting in a relationship is inevitable. If you are married or in a relationship then you\u2019ve probably argued and if you\u2019re dating and you haven\u2019t had a fight yet, then its time to pick one and practice your skills. So here\u2019s your guide on how to fight fair in relationships.<\/p>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-1437 lazyload\" src=\"data:image\/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP\/\/\/yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7\" data-src=\"https:\/\/www.mylovethinks.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/FIGHT-FAIR-01.png\" alt=\"fight fair in relationships\" width=\"535\" height=\"902\" \/><noscript><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter size-full wp-image-1437 lazyload\" src=\"https:\/\/www.mylovethinks.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/FIGHT-FAIR-01.png\" alt=\"fight fair in relationships\" width=\"535\" height=\"902\" \/><\/noscript><\/p>\n<h4>1. STRIKE WHEN THE IRON IS COLD<\/h4>\n<p>Hopefully you know the saying <em>\u201cstrike when the iron is hot\u201d<\/em> but when it comes to hammering out an issue it\u2019s best to strike when it\u2019s cold. What does this mean?<\/p>\n<p>This means that you shouldn\u2019t bring up a sensitive issue when you or both of you are already upset about something.<\/p>\n<p>Wait until things are fairly level and then approach your partner and let them know you have something you want to talk about.<\/p>\n<p>If you do just one thing, this will get you some decent mileage. Think about it, how well will an argument go when you are both already ticked off at one another and making snarky comments?<\/p>\n<p>Cool off then have your conversation!\u00a0This is just setting yourself up well for a fair fight.<\/p>\n<h4>2. DON&#8217;T\u00a0EXAGGERATE<\/h4>\n<p>My mom and dad always (see what I did there) reminded me of this rule when I was young because apparently I tended to use words that were pretty definitive.<\/p>\n<p>So when you approach a partner try to not use the words \u201c<em>always<\/em>\u201d or \u201c<em>never<\/em>\u201d. Because its rare that someone \u201c<em>always<\/em>\u201d or \u201c<em>never<\/em>\u201d does something, there tend to be exceptions and this type of language is generally inflammatory.<\/p>\n<p>Instead say <em>\u201csometimes<\/em>\u201d or <em>\u201cthe times you do\u2026\u201d<\/em>. See what I mean?<\/p>\n<h4>3. AVOID JERKY BEHAVIORS<\/h4>\n<p>I was thinking that maybe this could go without saying but I think not. These types of behaviors are jerky and ultimately undermine making any real progress in hashing out an issue.<\/p>\n<p><em>Don\u2019t call names.<\/em> Just don\u2019t.<\/p>\n<p><em>Don\u2019t raise your voice.<\/em> What\u2019s the need for that, they\u2019re probably sitting right there?!<\/p>\n<p><em>Don\u2019t point (or use other annoying\u00a0nonverbals).\u00a0<\/em> I did this once, I swear it was a reflex, but yeah this didn\u2019t go over well.<\/p>\n<p><em>Don\u2019t give the silent treatment.<\/em> I understand if you need a second to cool off but let your partner know that\u2019s what you need and then come back to it after you\u2019ve had a moment. But don\u2019t just give the silent treatment, what are you 3 (there I go calling names)?!<\/p>\n<p><em>Don\u2019t do tit for tat.<\/em> So this one is my pet peeve. It\u2019s when you bring an issue up and then your partner says, \u201cwell YOOOOU did this or YOOOOU did that and I FEEEEL this.\u201d Listen everyone will get a turn (do we need a talking stick?) but when your partner is talking and brought something important up then it\u2019s his or her turn. And then your place to let them know you heard it. It\u2019s NOT your place to drudge up something so that you can even the score.<\/p>\n<h4>4. USE &#8220;I&#8221; STATEMENTS<\/h4>\n<p>Everyone says this one so I won\u2019t spend much time here, but own your feelings and reactions to things.<\/p>\n<p>\u201cI feel __________________, when you ____________.\u201d<br \/>\nAnd here is a common misuse of this: \u201cI feel YOU\u2026\u201d Make sure that the feelings are related to how you feel and that you are not making a \u201cyou\u201d attack under the guise of \u201cI feel.\u201d<\/p>\n<h4>5. HAVE A THEME<\/h4>\n<p>If you\u2019ve ever had an argument, then you probably can relate to the dark hole that they can lead you down. When you get to the bottom you usually can\u2019t even remember why you were arguing in the first place.<\/p>\n<p>One common reason this happens is that you bring up an issue and then your partner wants examples. So, you give an example and then your partner defends against the example, claiming it was an exception. So, you bring up another and another and the same thing keeps happening.<\/p>\n<p>Accusation and then defense. So then, before you know it, things turn ugly. Depending on how each of you argue, it gets exhausting to keep recalling examples and you feel unheard because their response is always a defense rather than an acknowledgment. Welcome to the black hole.<\/p>\n<p>You may have to give an example, but do your best to label the general trend or theme of whatever is bothering you and stick to the 30,000 foot view rather than getting into all the dirty details.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u2019re asked to \u201cprove it\u201d then give one example and say, \u201cI don\u2019t want to hash out every time this has happened but I wanted you to know that I feel___________ when you _________.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Avoiding the black hole requires a little skillful maneuvering but you can do it!<\/p>\n<h4>6. WHEN YOU&#8217;RE ON THE RECEIVING END, RECEIVE IT!<\/h4>\n<p>This is harder than it sounds. When a partner brings up a complaint it can be a real knock to the ego especially if it\u2019s something that has another side to it (they usually do) where you feel justified or even misunderstood.<\/p>\n<p>However, when your partner comes to you with an issue, do your best to just listen. And not listen while you\u2019re coming up with your carefully crafted defense, but just listen to what they have to say.<\/p>\n<p>Practice putting yourself in their world and feeling what they feel. It\u2019s called empathy!<\/p>\n<p>Then when your partner is done talking, tell them you want to explain it back to see if you\u2019re understanding correctly. Then paraphrase what they said and ask for feedback.<\/p>\n<p>After they feel understood, then you can decide how to respond. But work to really hear what they are telling you.<\/p>\n<h4>7. LEARN TO APOLOGIZE<\/h4>\n<p>This is really\u00a0simple, but generally people are no good at apologizing. The thing is that it\u2019s good to apologize when you\u2019re wrong but also sometimes you need to apologize for how you came across.<\/p>\n<p>Here are four simple steps you can follow when you apologize. This is a great way to wrap up an argument and then move on with the relationship.<\/p>\n<p><strong>STEP 1:<\/strong> Acknowledge what your partner is saying you did or said that bothered him or her (see above).<\/p>\n<p><strong>STEP 2:<\/strong> Apologize for what you did or said or for how you came across. \u201cI am sorry for_____________________\u201d Or, \u201cI am sorry for coming across as __________________________.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><strong>STEP 3:<\/strong> Briefly explain your motives and your perspective. Sometimes you can stop after step 2, but if you feel really compelled to explain, then make it brief!! Watch out for using \u201cbut\u201d after you apologize\u2014it can really minimize the apology. So explain if you must, but make sure your focus is on the apology first, and then on clarifying your motive.<\/p>\n<p><strong>STEP 4:<\/strong> If you explained your motive apologize again! Especially after you said \u201cbut\u201d. For example, \u201cI am sorry for when I said ________________. What I really meant was ____________________, but I am so sorry for that I came across in an unappreciative way and hurt your feelings.\u201d<\/p>\n<h4>8. ACCEPT THE APOLOGY FOR GOODNESS SAKE!<\/h4>\n<p>This is like a sub-point to step 7, but if you\u2019re on the receiving end of an apology, please accept it like a grown up.<\/p>\n<p>Some people feel so entitled to their apology and then they hear it and basically say, \u201cyeah that WAAAS horrible of you.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>It is incredibly hard to humble yourself and to give a good apology, so if you get one <strong>RECEIVE<\/strong> it, <strong>BELIEVE<\/strong> it and then <strong>ACCEPT<\/strong> it.<\/p>\n<p>For clarity\u2019s sake accept it by saying \u201cI accept your apology\u201d or \u201cThank you for your apology, I forgive you\u201d or whatever it is that you feel like saying but acknowledge the apology.<\/p>\n<h3><a href=\"https:\/\/mylovethinks.leadpages.co\/leadbox\/14089bb73f72a2%3A1469aed2b746dc\/5748809699164160\/\">Thank you for reading and check out our free How to Fight Fair printable!<\/a><\/h3>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Fighting in a relationship is inevitable. If you are married or in a relationship then you\u2019ve probably argued and if you\u2019re dating and you haven\u2019t&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1438,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v20.8 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to fight fair in relationships - Good Dating Book<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Fighting in relationships is inevitable. 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