{"id":1508,"date":"2018-01-22T18:15:45","date_gmt":"2018-01-22T18:15:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.mylovethinks.com\/?p=1508"},"modified":"2018-01-22T18:15:45","modified_gmt":"2018-01-22T18:15:45","slug":"how-to-speak-up-in-your-relationship-without-having-a-fight","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.mylovethinks.com\/how-to-speak-up-in-your-relationship-without-having-a-fight\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Speak Up in Your Relationship Without Having a Fight"},"content":{"rendered":"

The dreaded three words \u201ccan we talk,\u201d<\/strong> can immediately stir up defenses. Or maybe those words live on the tip of your tongue, but you just don\u2019t feel like dealing with the spiral downward into the argument abyss, so you never say what is on your heart.<\/p>\n

But then, what happens to those concerns, thoughts, worries, and requests that never get said? Do they fester, do you ruminate, do you stuff them? \u2026I am fairly certain they don\u2019t magically disappear. So what are you to do?<\/p>\n

At some point, you must speak up. A healthy, happy and lasting relationship requires open communication where you can speak your mind so that these issues do not result in deep resentments that ultimately sabotage your relationship.<\/p>\n

So here are some ideas of how to speak up in your relationship without ending up in a fight.<\/p>\n

\"\"

\u00a01. EMBRACE AN ATTITUDE OF ABNORMAL IS NORMAL<\/h4>\n

This one is a mentality shift, and something that may take some time. However, shifting your attitude can be huge in terms of normalizing the need to have conversations about your relationship.<\/p>\n

The reality is that relationships are constantly being thrown out of balance. They are regularly in need of attention and adjustments. This is NORMAL.<\/p>\n

So, when you need to talk to your partner about an issue, it doesn\u2019t mean that he or she is a bad<\/em> partner or that your partner is doing a bad<\/em> job, it means that you are in a NORMAL relationship that requires some maintenance.<\/p>\n

Try to talk with your partner about this mentality. Remind him or her at the beginning of a relationship conversation that it is normal to have to make adjustments in how we behave and treat each other.<\/p>\n

If you and your partner can get to a place where it is jointly accepted that it is normal to need to talk about your relationship, then these conversations will go more smoothly, and defenses will not be raised at the hint of a \u201crelationship talk.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00a02. HAVE REGULAR RELATIONSHIP TALKS<\/h4>\n

Part of normalizing the need to have talks is to have them regularly, almost like a management meeting. In our couple\u2019s course, Couple LINKS, we refer to this as huddles.<\/p>\n

We suggest monthly or even weekly, you and your partner sit down and review your relationship. BTW this isn\u2019t a gripe session\u2026it\u2019s an opportunity to check in with one another. Hit on how things have been going well, and then what needs a bit more attention.<\/p>\n

The more you do this, the less likely issues will grow and fester, and the less intimidating these conversations will become.<\/p>\n

3. STRIKE WHEN THE IRON IS COLD<\/h4>\n

So often we hold in issues until they ooze out of us because we can\u2019t contain them anymore. And, more often than not, this happens at the worst times, like when your partner is about to head out of town, or they have an early morning commitment and it\u2019s 10:30 at night.<\/p>\n

The tip here is to bring up an issue when things are going well. When you have some downtime together and are in a good place, say something like, \u201cHey, I\u2019ve been wanting to talk with you about something, you think you\u2019d be up for it?\u201d<\/p>\n

Trying to talk about issues when it\u2019s tense, when you\u2019re about to overflow with emotion or frustration, or when time is tight doesn\u2019t go well. So get in there when all is good!<\/p>\n

(I wrote a post about Fighting Fair that may also be worth a read….you can check it out here)<\/a><\/p>\n

\u00a04. STICK TO ONE ISSUE AT A TALK<\/h4>\n

I\u2019m certain this has happened to me. When you begin a relationship talk and suddenly you\u2019re talking about all<\/em> the issues you have been bottling up, giving examples, and trying to explain everything that has ever bothered you. And then you realize, you\u2019ve lost your point. This is an example of \u201cpartner overload.\u201d Seriously, who can hear all those things at once and not feel totally defeated or defensive.<\/p>\n

Next time, choose one issue. One point you\u2019d like to discuss and ONLY talk about that point. This will help you to keep it clear and it will also help your partner not to feel like you are attacking from all sides.<\/p>\n

\u00a05. DON’T GET SUCKED INTO ARGUING EXAMPLES<\/h4>\n

This is another relationship talk trap. It\u2019s when you start by bringing up one issue and your partner says, \u201cWhen did I do that?\u201d or \u201cGive me an example.\u201d Ok, so watch your step. It\u2019s totally acceptable to give an example, and even recommendable to have an example already in mind, but don\u2019t get sidetracked into arguing the details of that example.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s common for the partner on the defensive to argue that the example given was an exception, not the rule. But, chances are, if you\u2019ve come to the point of needing to talk about something, then it isn\u2019t the exception.<\/p>\n

So, handle it like this, \u201cI don\u2019t want to argue every example because I am sure there are reasons for why you did or said _______________. However, when ___________________ happens, I feel upset and want you to know. In the future, I would like _______________ to happen instead.\u201d<\/p>\n

Obviously, you may need to customize my suggestion, but the takeaway is to give one or two examples (not more), and then get back to your main issue. Continue to center the conversation on the overarching pattern, because your point is that there is a pattern of x,y,z that upsets you, and you would like your partner to know and make a change. So keep the big picture at the forefront of your conversations.<\/p>\n

\u00a06. WATCH THE CLOCK<\/h4>\n

You probably went into the talk with good intentions, but now the talk has dragged on, and you\u2019ve lost any chance of the issue getting resolved. This can happen when the relationship talk just went overboard. It went on way too long.<\/p>\n

Work to keep your talks to 30 minutes or less. This can help your partner from glazing over, or things erupting into something bigger. This is important because you don\u2019t want your relationship talks to be so draining that you avoid them in the future. Try to keep any of your negative talks short and to the point.<\/p>\n

\u00a07. TIP THE SCALES<\/h4>\n

The final suggestion that I have is to make sure you have significantly more positive than negative talks. Step back and look at the overall mood of your togetherness. Are your negative talks an exception, or do they seem like a bitter seasoning that is sprinkled throughout your time together? Make an intentional increase of your compliments, your expressions of appreciation, and your relaxed and enjoyable conversations so that when you need to bring up an issue, it is with a backdrop of respect and security.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I have said more on this topic in my blog on How to Fight Fair so check that one out too!<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Save<\/span>Save<\/span><\/p>\n

Save<\/span>Save<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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