First, I will start with the bad news: childhood and family experiences are some of the best predictors of what someone, and you, will be like as a partner and a parent.

Yes, very Freudian, but it’s true, we are a product of our past.  So in a relationship, do not minimize the power of family background and childhood experiences. Take your time exploring these areas and learn about how your partner has made sense of all of these experiences.

Here are a couple important areas to consider.

1. Family closeness: How open and involved was the family? How did they express affection? Anger? Handle and resolve conflicts.
2. Family structure: What were the roles of the parents and kids? Biological or step-family? Divorce? How was discipline handled? Organized home or chaotic? Rigid or Flexible?

Ok, for the good news: we do not have to repeat the mistakes of our families. Some of the best mothers I know had mothers that were quite neglectful or self-involved or downright abusive.

However, this wasn’t a fluke, but rather these women vowed to not repeat the mistakes of their mothers, to not cause the same hurt to their children that they experienced growing up.

People can take some of the worst experiences and learn from them and change as a result. This becomes the choice that you must make: do you want to repeat your family’s mistakes or learn from them and ultimately do it differently in the relationship and family you create?

So what do you need to do it differently?

1. Insight: Insight into what needs to change and how it has impacted you.
2. New information: This can come in many forms: therapy, books, other people’s input, and even life-changing experiences.
3. Time: Change rarely takes place over night so keep working to implement any change you hope to instill in your relationship and family. It’s normal to have some regressions, but just keep practicing. As a side note, these aspects of change don’t just apply to you they equally apply to your partner. Read this for more on change.

Lastly to the reader who was worried about scaring partners off, my advice is this: be honest when the time is right. And when you do talk about your family history, talk about what you have learned from it.

We all have baggage that we carry as a result of our family experiences, so when you are dating someone, show them and tell them what you are doing with it.

The truth is that some people may be intimidated by your history; however, most people will identify on some level and appreciate your maturity and thoughtfulness about how you have resolved and grown from those challenging experiences.

SaveSave

SaveSave

The post Reader Question:What do I do with my family baggage? appeared first on Good Dating Book.

I was deployed for a year when I came home my wife had 2 women living with her. They were sharing the same bed. When I returned she was emotionally connected with these 2 ladies. I have been home 11 months and my wife moved into the spare room and the ladies moved out, but my wife goes to see them and spends the night with them weekly. My wife stopped going to marriage counseling. She is getting individual counseling. I am getting individual counseling as well. How long should I keep trying for reconciliation? She avoids me and prefers spending time with her girlfriends over our sons.  She keeps secrets and avoids being honest with me. She is addicted to her iPhone and stays on it all the time but won’t answer calls from me. What should I do? I made a vow to this woman but she has changed. Do I keep my wedding vows even when my wife doesn’t?

Thank you for your question and I am so sorry to hear what is going on in your marriage. Also, I want to commend you on fighting for your marriage. That is not easy especially when I am sure your mind goes wild with all the possibilities of what may be going on with your wife.

The hard part is your wife seems to be avoiding you so I want to let you know what I have known other people to do when they were in a situation similar to yours. I am not suggesting these routes, but others have had some success…snooping and private investigators. These two routes serve a means to an end, which is getting to the truth when your wife is not willing to be direct with you.

This brings me to the most important piece of advice I have for you:

Do not make a decision until all the truth is known. Right now, it seems like you are guessing what is going on with your wife and her relationship with these women, but she hasn’t fessed up to anything. Without total transparency it is too hard to know whether or not your wife is going through some temporary thing or if she has decided she wants out of the marriage. All you know is that she is withdrawing and not being truthful with you. Whether or not you and your wife reconcile, you should know the truth. This will be important for you as you work toward forgiving her and recovering either to save your marriage or to move on in the future. Also, if she were to come clean and want to save the marriage it will take time for you to build up your trust in her again, this cannot be done without total truth.

I wish you the best and hope that your commitment to your wife and family is reciprocated and appreciated.

The post Reader Question: Do I honor my commitment when my wife doesn’t? appeared first on Good Dating Book.

I just ended my four year engagement to my fiance, bc he was emotionally abusive and scared me bc of his erratic behavior. He was also loving and affectionate and very generous at times. How do I deal with this situation? I’m so confused if I did the right thing. Do I try to date again? Or do I just stay single for a year like my friends and parents are saying?  I feel like I’m in limbo.

Thank you for your question. First off, I’d like to say you did a very hard thing when you ended your engagement. Loving someone but ending the relationship because you know it is unhealthy is one of the toughest decisions…so good for you…you took the first major step.

Ok so, emotionally abusive relationships have this way of making us feel crazy for the very reason you described: he was abusive and erratic and then loving and generous. Usually this type of partner is really charming which is why it is so easy to get sucked into the relationship and also why it is so hard to get out. Also, the unpredictability in an abusive partner’s behavior is what helps them maintain the power in a relationship. Which is the only way they know how to relate: in terms of power. I would guess that you spent much of your relationship walking on eggshells because you couldn’t predict what would tick him off and what wouldn’t. This type of relationship, especially when it lasts for years, can really cause deep self-doubt and emotional wounds. With all that being said, here are my recommendations:

• Cut all ties. Do not go back and cut off all contact with your ex. I repeat DO NOT! Not even just a little text or anything. This is critical. Like I said, these partners can turn on the charm and suck you right back into the relationship vortex and each time it is a little more difficult to get out. It is best to stay strong and remove his info from your phone and ignore any calls, texts, emails etc.

• Learn new information. Either seek personal counseling to talk through your experience in this relationship, what attracted you to someone who ended up abusing you, how can you be sure to catch it earlier next time, and just to heal from the 4 years of emotional abuse. If that seems like too much, I recommend reflecting on your relationship and learning new information about these types of relationships so you can spot common warning signs and avoid choosing a similar partner next time. PS I have an amazing book recommendation on this subject. See the link below.

• Take some time. You are being told that you should wait a year to date. I think that this brings up a really important point which is that sometimes our family and friends shed light on our blind spots. I am not saying you need to take a year, that’s a long time. But I think that getting some opinions from your loved ones and close friends can help you to gain some insight and taking some time to recover from your relationship and reflect on it is a good thing!

This is your time to focus on recovering and moving on. I wish you the best!

Great resource:

http://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Edition/dp/1440504636

The post Reader Question: What to do after an emotionally abusive relationship appeared first on Good Dating Book.