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This is our third podcast interview on the topic of the “mental load.” Dr. Brooke Weinstein joined Dr. John and Dr. Morgan to share how she has successfully learned to carry her mental load while keeping her own self-care a high priority. Her story is inspiring with many diverse and challenging chapters: a wife with a husband struggling with depression; a mother of two boys (now 8 and 5); a working mom with a thriving practice; an almost divorced and later, widowed solo-parent. And yet, through all these experiences she has been resilient to continue to deepen her joy and love of life.

Some takeaways from the episode include:

1. Most of the content on the mental load is for couples and not parents without partners

As we stated in previous podcast blogs, the mental load is the invisible running list of responsibilities, tasks, and concerns that occurs in a person’s mind. Although this is a universal experience, most printed and video/audio resources about the mental load are focused on a wife within a marriage, and how couples can work together to be supportive of each other with their mental loads. Further, the body of research about marriage relationships has found that a general benefit many couples experience is that they advocate for each other.

However, the challenge of balancing a mental load with self-care is much greater when solo-parenting.

Here is the reason why: parenting without a partner means that you must be your own advocate, with the hard reality that often there is nobody advocating for you. But then, when you take the time and energy to search out the resources on the mental load, everything seems to be written for couples.

This leaves the solo-parent with one of two choices… reject or inspect!

Too many times our knee-jerk reaction is to reject content about married couples because it doesn’t apply to parents without partners.

However, if you closely inspect the mental load content then you can extract that which you can use in your own situation. In addition, with a little searching, you can find articles and resources about single parenting and the mental load.

Here is a simple plan to dig up some practical ideas and resources that can help you better manage your own mental load:

Set a goal of thirty minutes to just conduct a search on the topic of the mental load. Open any article or podcast that looks beneficial. Save them in a folder so you can go back and peruse them more deeply. Repeat several times. Afterwards, look through your findings. Create a document for your copied and pasted key points and ideas, and maybe even write some of your own. Finally, take your doc, organize it, add specific action steps, and then print to use as a reminder.

Here are a few articles to get you started.

https://www.mamamia.com.au/mental-load-single-parent

https://www.parents.com/parenting/dynamics/single-parenting/shouldering-the-mental-load-on-your-own

https://theriveter.co/voice/the-mental-load-of-single-working-parenthood

2.Too much of “a good thing for others” can be bad for yourself

Many of the items in a single mother’s mental load are good things: covering every little detail for the care of each of her kids; laundry; housework; work; bills; extended family; friends; and so much more.

There is no doubt that loving your kids, being responsible at work, maintaining an orderly home, and keeping up with your family and friends are all good things, but they demand more hours than are in a day and leave no room for the necessary acts of self-care.

In fact, for many who struggle with the tyranny of too much of a good thing, they feel selfish and guilty when they consider postponing a good thing for others to do a good thing for self.

Their prerequisite for self-care is the completion of all their other-care. But the reality of parenting solo is that you will always have to sacrifice some act of other-care to fit in self-care. This is a daily transaction that you need to face, accept, and learn to master.

Here are three acts of self-care that require little sacrifice of other-care, but when practiced regularly, can shift your perspective, refill your tank of patience, and keep you emotionally level.

1. Take brief but frequent resets. Too many of us go hard until we are right at our breaking point, and then, and only then, do we take a bit of time to reset. We have trained ourselves to ignore all the small warning signs frustration, impatience, and fatigue. However, most self-care techniques are best practiced during lower levels of stress, and with great frequency. Here is an article to get you started: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/self-care-activities-5-minutes_l_613fa550e4b0dda4cbd269c4
2. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” This may sound simple, but many of us have too great of a threshold for pain. We get frustrated, irritated, stressed, or worried, but we have mastered, “sucking it up and driving on” so we don’t even acknowledge those upset feelings, let alone, do anything to reset them. But if we would just do frequent check-ins to identify those “low-level” emotional states, then we could learn and practice techniques to move ourselves back to a better emotional frame of mind. It can help to ask this question to your body (e.g., what is my body feeling right now, and what is that telling me?) and your brain (e.g., what is my brain feeling right now, and what has it been focusing on?). Here are a couple of articles to get you started.

https://www.uchealth.org/today/how-to-practice-emotional-self-care

https://www.habitsforwellbeing.com/22-ways-practice-emotional-self-care-letting-go

3. Look around your environment and revisit the good times of your life. Most of us decorate our homes and places of work with pictures, nick-nacks, and other items that represent people we love or experiences that we have cherished. But in the rush of life, we don’t even see those reminders anymore. So make a habit of putting on the brakes for 30-60 seconds and zeroing your focus on the details of just one of your memorabilia and let it transport you into the best of life and love.

3.Many habits that were formed within a relationship can be reconstructed by you taking ownership of your part and making intentional changes.

In this podcast, Dr. Brooke relayed that previously, when she was married, that she often went overboard to take care of everything possible just to protect her husband from becoming overly stressed or more depressed.

But then, she would feel resentful that she was taking on so much more than what she felt was her fair share.

In time, she came to a point of self-awareness it dawned on her that he never asked her to do this, and that she was able to alter the entire pattern just by changing her part of the equation. That realization freed her from resentment and empowered her to become much more balanced.

We all need to periodically review our roles within relationships and simply ask, “What adjustments can I make to improve how I feel, love, and handle life situations?”

About Dr. Brooke Weinstein

What else is there?

To learn more, and hear about what may be necessary to maintain a relationship with someone you “agree to disagree” with make sure to listen to the full episode.

We hope you listen, subscribe, and review the podcast.  If you want to apply to be a guest on the podcast, we’d love to hear from you.

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It takes courage to share aspects of your life and marriage on a podcast, and something beyond courage to talk about personal failures. Peter and Alex personify this exceptional courage, as they share about a dark time of betrayed trust in their marriage and how they were able to build back their love and trust. Dr. John and Dr. Morgan sat down with Alex and Peter, parents of three kids, ages 5-9, and were amazed at the grace and wisdom they expressed in their relationship over the last few years of working through an emotional affair.

Here are some insights about betrayals and love and trust again:

1. Slippery slopes: tragic falls are often preceded by many small missteps

The first steps toward the edge of any affair are often taken in good faith. This means that they are not viewed as a step toward danger, or giving in to a temptation, or an act of wrongdoing. Rather, they are often inaccurately believed to be something that is good-willed, compassionate, and even loving. However, these good intentions are just a cloak of self-deception. And the partner of the one slipping into betrayal often intuitively feels that something is wrong, even though there is no hard evidence. So, when they approach and confront their partner, even in the most gracious and loving way, it often leads to strong denials, defensiveness, and counterattacks. This only serves to create barriers between the couple that are often used justify the partner further stepping toward the edge of betrayal.

Here are some areas to explore in order to understand and set  your boundaries:

• What are the boundaries that I practice and that keep me far from the edge of an affair?
• One litmus test (certainly not the only one) is to imagine my partner thinking, saying, or doing what I am engaging in—would I be worried or uncomfortable with that? If so, then I too should back out of those things.
• Talk together with your partner about different relevant situations that may need boundaries—discuss together what boundaries you would appreciate and why.
• Cultivate an attitude of humility, acknowledging your own vulnerability to self-deception and human error. There is an old saying, “Pride comes before a fall.”

2. There are two realities that co-exist: personal responsibility and relational vulnerability

There is no wavering on the fact that each person must accept responsibility for their own actions. There can be no room for blame or excusing an action because of some mitigating circumstance. This is an indisputable reality. However, another reality co-exists… and that is that our relationship can be lacking something, or you could be acting in some way that increases your partner’s vulnerability to acting out in inappropriate or wrong ways. So, even though that partner is 100% responsible for their actions, we cannot escape that we contributed to their vulnerability by our choices. These two realities may not exist in every betrayal, but they must be examined and discussed by both partners once a trust is broken.

Consider:

• How do you acknowledge full responsibility for your actions when you have done something that betrayed your partner’s trust or deeply hurt them?
• When you betray your partner’s trust, it often takes much longer for your partner to forgive and rebuild any loving trust in you than you would like it to take. So, stay in the supporting, discussing, and apologizing attitude of heart much longer than you would think is necessary.
• It is when your partner has broken your trust that you should be the one to bring up the question, “Is there anything in our relationship that we can improve on and that will strengthen your resolve to not do what you did?” This needs to be explored without shifting ANY of the responsibility from each individual for their own personal choices. But it always is better to come from the partner that felt betrayed.

3. Healing takes time and requires both forgiveness and a rebuilding of trust

Many couples fail to work through a breach of trust simply because they quit too soon. Time is not the healer of all wounds, but it is a necessary quality ultimately in any healing process. This means that when the horizon points have all closed in and there seems to be no future hope; when your present pain seems like it will last forever; and when you don’t believe your feelings (or lack of feelings) can ever change; it is at that very moment that you often need to persevere, give it more time, and engage in the right steps to foster genuine forgiveness and work to reconstruct a loving trust.

Here are some insights into the healing process that can increase your patience, promote forgiveness, and rekindle a loving trust.

Try to keep your head working with your heart during a relationship crisis. In other words, it is necessary to acknowledge, express, and resolve your emotions. However, those same emotions may prompt you to do something in the moment that is not best for you or those you love.

It helps to know that a present emotional state that feels permanent is often temporary. Most couples in crisis have extended times of either intense emotion, or complete absence of any feelings for the partner. When partners know that this is a common and often unavoidable phase when experiencing a crisis, especially an affair, then they can navigate it with greater patience and perseverance, and with giving that emotional state less long-term legitimacy.

Forgiveness first requires that the offense has truly stopped. After that, the offending partner can help their partner forgive them by taking personal ownership with deep remorse, being willing to be transparent, and engaging in many conversations to process the betrayal. This attitude/disposition helps to create an relationship environment where forgiveness becomes much easier to give.

The forgiving partner can feel bitter that the work of forgiveness has been unfairly put on them. However, there is actually a profound and meaningful personal gain when you genuinely stretch yourself to forgive another for a wrong they committed against you.

The partner that committed an act of betrayal often has to forgive him/herself. You would expect that partner to feel shame; however, coming to terms with and resolving a personal failure can be very challenging for many partners.

Rebuilding trust is not the same as forgiving an offense. Forgiveness is about letting go and resolving the act and related pain of past offense. In contrast, rebuilding trust is all about reconstructing a belief and security in a partner for both the present and future. Both are essential for healing a relationship. And typically, a sense of forgiveness precedes the longer process of rebuilding a love and belief of trust in a partner.

What else is there?

To learn more, and hear about what may be necessary to maintain a relationship with someone you “agree to disagree” with make sure to listen to the full episode.

We hope you listen, subscribe, and review the podcast.  If you want to apply to be a guest on the podcast, we’d love to hear from you.

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We are continuing to focus on this vital aspect of personal and relational health: the “mental load.” In this podcast, the second of three on the topic, Dr. John and Dr. Morgan sat down with Charity and Ted to explore how they deal with their mental loads. They have been married 20 years and are in the hectic season of raising four kids, ages 9-16. Although no one is perfect, they are a wonderful couple who were encouraged by friends and family to write a book about their marriage (Staying I Do) because their relationship modeled what a loving marriage should look like… mutual admiration and support, especially in this key area of the mental load. 

The main takeaways from this episode include:

1.Attack the mental load as a team

The mental load is most often presented as a women’s invisible running list of responsibilities, tasks, and concerns because the wife/mother almost always has a much more extensive and overwhelming mental load than her husband, literally expanding every detail of family and home life. However, successful marriages acknowledge both mental loads in ways that blur some of these individual differences with a greater sense of support and ownership. You could say that a couple creates a third, “corporate” mental load in their marriage that they both share, even though the specifics are still being managed by each partner.

This begins with an attitude of mutual caretaking in a marriage relationship. Couples must cultivate this genuine interest in each other, with an openness to step into the mental load of their partner.

Here are some questions to check out your attitude.

• How often am I thinking about what my partner is dealing with?
• Do I take sufficient time to attempt to reconstruct in my mind the mental load of my partner? 
• How does my partner view my attitude toward their mental load and all the tasks they are managing?
• How accurately could I explain my partner’s mental load?
• How responsible do I feel for the tasks and concerns that are in my partner’s mental load?
• Can I honestly say that I have an attitude of “servitude”—where I happily try and serve my partner and my family?

2. Practice collecting data from your marriage and family

Women tend to be the ultimate data collectors.  They know all the things, where it’s kept, who likes what, and who needs what. So this is a challenge that is mostly for their partners.

Think of engaging in tasks and activities that both reduce your partner’s mental load while also expanding your understanding of your family.

For example, Ted was able to drive his four kids to school several days a week and used that time to collect intel on what each one was dealing with that in their schoolwork, friendships, and extra-curricular activities. This was a way he could step into his wife’s mental load about their children without depending on Charity to explain all the details.

He took the initiative to learn and then acted on what he learned by becoming more involved with his kids!

Here are some ideas:

• Pay attention to all the “little things” your partner does to run the home and take care of the kids? This includes straightening up things like the pillows on the couch, the dishes throughout the house, the clothes, shoes, papers, and other belongings that need to be put back in their proper “homes”—add up how many times your partner attends to these things and various needs of the kids.
• Imagine that your partner had to deploy for a month and be absent from your home. What details would you have to take on that you typically do not worry about?
• Engage with members of your family like a detective looking for clues. Search and find the repeating needs and wants they seem to have, and then make a plan for how you can help meet them.

3. Balance taking steps of informed initiative with making requests for support

A common sore point with many women is when they hear their partner say, “If you want me to help, just ask.”

Although that partner believes he is being approachable and willing to help, there is the subtle message that he has NO responsibilities except those that his partner explicitly delegates. It assumes that everything is her job until she solicits his involvement. This often pushes the buttons of frustration and leads to arguments that do not fix the division of responsibilities between partners.

However, when the first two suggestions (attack the mental load as a team and practice data collection) are being implemented, then approaching your partner to request support feels much better because it is within the context of that partner frequently initiating involvement based on their own observations and loving interest.

Here are some ways to build a better balance of initiating with requesting.

• Know that your partner is not a mind reader, and if they are open to helping, focus on their willingness to help.
• Talk together as a couple about how you would like to be approached for support, and how you would like to request involvement from your partner.
• Regularly express your appreciation for both what you partner does and how they support you in your mental load.
• Have frequent check-ins about what is on your mind… what you are covering that day and what tasks are relevant to both partners.
• Be willing to quickly forgive and let go of any misunderstandings or hurt feelings, and get back to being a team, working to out-do each other in support and love.

What else is there?

To learn more, and hear about what may be necessary to maintain a relationship with someone you “agree to disagree” with make sure to listen to the full episode.

We hope you listen, subscribe, and review the podcast.  If you want to apply to be a guest on the podcast, we’d love to hear from you.

Check out Charity and Ted’s book, Staying I Do.