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It is in these times that you and your partner likely find yourselves, carrying out your roles or just “doing what is required” of you, but not going the extra step to care for and nurture your relationship like you did when you first got together.

Know that this is completely normal and expected; however when your relationship remains in this prolonged state of routine, it’s very likely that you or your partner will start to feel invisible, lonely, and/or taken for granted.

I want to provide you with a simple fix to prevent these feelings from creeping in and if you’re the partner that is feeling taken for granted you can use this post to discuss what you need with your partner.

THE TWO THINGS YOU NEED TO AVOID FEELINGS OF BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED

1. To feel VISIBLE.

There are two things that you need to avoid feeling taken for granted, and the first is to feel visible. Feeling visible means that you’re seen and that what you do to contribute to the care of your relationship, life, and family are seen.

Feelings of being taken for granted can manifest as feelings of loneliness or even invisibility and feeling VISIBLE is the cure.

2. To feel VALUABLE.

Feeling valuable is the second thing that you and your partner needs to keep feelings of being taken for granted at bay.

This accompanies visibility because not only does your contribution need to be seen, it needs to be valued and believed to be important to how your relationship and family operates.

THE FORMULA FOR HELPING YOUR PARTNER FEEL VISIBLE + VALUED

To help your partner feel visible and valued only requires one simple strategy which is to:

MAKE STATEMENTS THAT INCLUDE OBSERVATIONS.

You get extra credit if you include appreciation at the end of your statement.

This is so important because so much of what we do to help our family and relationship run is invisible. Think of all the things you do throughout the day that no one really sees, let alone acknowledges.

This is why statements with observations are so incredibly important (hint: they work well with kiddos too).

THEY SOUND LIKE THIS:

• “I just want you to know that I see how much you do to make the holidays special for our family, you are running around like crazy taking care of everyone and I see it.”
• “I know that I don’t really get all that you do while you’re at work but I do see all that it provides for us and our family. Your contribution is so important and I want you to know that I see that and appreciate it.”
• “I noticed how tonight you were so tired yet you still found the energy to get dinner on the table and care for us.”
• “I want you to know that I see you and all that you do to care for our family. You don’t always get the credit for all the little things that you do, but they are not lost on me. I see them and value you so much.”

I hope these scripts help you to imagine new ways to help your partner feel visible and valued in your relationship.

If you prefer videos to reading, check out the short video below on this simple, yet effective technique.

The post A simple fix for when your partner feels taken for granted appeared first on Good Dating Book.

Since COVID-19, there has been a rapid increase in activity on dating sites during COVID-19. Before the pandemic, dating sites were seeing a decrease in activity but Dating.com reported that online dating activity was up 82% during March.

Dating sites are also reporting an increase in conversations, for example Tinder’s conversation lengths increased 10-30%, and more messages are being exchanged between users.

If you think about the fast-paced way in which relationships typically develop, this forced slower pace is an excellent thing.

One-night stands replaced with zoom dates.

Texting date details replaced with FaceTime conversations.

And this is the upside of dating during a pandemic…forced boundaries that require individuals to talk and get to know one another without the distraction of sexual tension or chemistry.

These boundaries are so great for people who tend to test compatibility though chemistry; however the sexual relationship is not the only way you may be blinded to red flags.

Blind spots can occur in relationships in so many areas and one of the most common has to do with having an inflated positive belief in someone or trust in them (check out another post on trust here).

The current, stay-at-home, dating climate is ripe for this imbalance because people are getting to know each other in only one dimension.

In our online course for singles, we talk about the 3T’s for getting to know someone: TALK, TIME, and TOGETHERNESS.

Here’s the thing, you can talk all you want.  Even stay up for days on end just chatting.

However, there is no replacement for being together. When you are together you are seeing a person in action, feeling their vibe, observing them in the wild so to say. This is essential to truly knowing someone.

And you cannot replicate time. There is no replacement for what time does, which is reveal a person’s true character and allows for patterns in behavior to emerge (check out this post on why you need a 90 day probation period when you date).

What can so easily happen (and if you watched the hit show, Love is Blind, it did happen) is that when you talk to someone without the other T’s, you can create an INFLATED POSITIVE BELIEF in someone.

This inflated positive belief happens when you learn just a little bit about someone, and YOU LIKE what you’ve gotten to know, SO THEN you fill in the gaps based on this information, accelerating your confidence in them without testing it out over time using other points of data (aka seeing them in person, around other people, being with them when they are annoyed or angry, etc).

This premature high level of confidence creates an imbalance in your relationship and puts you at risk of missing major red flags. This imbalance is on par with moving quickly in the sexual aspect of the relationship because it creates a false sense of security in a relationship that is really in it’s infancy.

So here’s the advice:

• Find matches online if you’re in the market for a relationship.
• Enjoy video chats and the fun of getting to know someone new.
• Be aware of how you may fill-in-the gaps of your belief in this person based on the little amount of information you actually know about them.
• Withhold drawing conclusions about this person until you have spent time with them in person.
• Maintain healthy boundaries with this person until you have tested out their true character over time (check out this post on why you need a 90-day probation period when you date).

Remember that true knowing always involves: talk, time, and togetherness.

You can learn more about how to be discerning in your relationships with our Head Meets Heart online course for singles. And if you’re feeling non-committal, you can get the first session FREE HERE!

The post Dating during COVID-19? Don’t make this common mistake. appeared first on Good Dating Book.

Emotions are at an all-time high.

As a country..wait….across the world, we are all operating at reduced coping capacity.

We are emotionally flooded, drained, taxed, and our ability to manage our emotions is almost certainly fatigued.

If you are snapping at your kids, your partner, or your loved ones more you are not alone. This is almost a universal experience right now.  But why?!

Ever heard of ego-depletion? Self-regulatory fatigue? Probably not, but let me break this down for you.

There is this concept that when you implement a great deal of self-control, you wear out your ability to use self-control. This concept was first mentioned by Roy Baumeister in 1994.

Basically, our ability to self-regulate our emotions, decisions, or impulses is diminished after we have had to self-regulate.

Think of this as a muscle. When you exercise, you fatigue the muscle. The concept is the same applied to our ability to regulate our emotions.

When you exercise self-control, this ability is fatigued (temporarily, albeit fatigued).

Because there is a deep collective stress circulating in our world….the stress of the financial future, the stress of worrying about your health and the health of those you love, the stress of the media, the stress of possibly being out of work, the stress of kids being home from school, the stress of the unknown; we are all self-regulating way more than we are used to.

We are running the self-regulatory process in the background throughout our day, fatiguing this muscle, leaving us with just the leftovers for our kids and our partners.

We are exhausted, mentally fatigued. And our self-regulation skills are suffering.

This, my friends, is why you are more irritable. This is why the littlest things may be setting you off or you just have less patience for those you love.

Keep in mind that it is more important now than ever to forgive quickly, repair quickly, and extend patience, grace, and the benefit of the doubt.

This applies to the others in your life as well as to yourself.

So, I want to share six helpful tips for managing this time with hopefully less arguments because the last thing we need at this time is to create enemies in our homes.

1. PAUSE AND TAKE 3 SQUARE BREATHS.

If you don’t know what a square breath is, let me fill you in on this little gem.

Breathe in for four breaths, hold your breath for four breaths, exhale for 4 breaths and then repeat.

This technique has been researched and shown to reduce stress and anxiety.

2. CHECK IN WITH YOURSELF.

Ask yourself, what am I really reacting to in this moment? Sometimes we just need to slow down and raise our awareness.

Sometimes you need some recovery time to let our self-regulation tank refuel. Maybe this looks like stepping out and talking a walk, locking yourself in the bathroom for five minutes, or asking for some support so you can allow yourself some time to reset.

3. GIVE YOURSELF A 30 SECOND TIMEOUT

Pressing pause on the moment and taking a break can help you to avoid making a harsh statement toward your partner or loved one.

4. REMIND YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE RAW AND TAPPED OUT.

Extend yourself some grace. We are all beat. Apologize quickly and move on.

5. PLAY YOUR REACTION OUT IN YOUR HEAD + CHOOSE A DIFFERENT RESPONSE.

This is a great addition to number 3. If you can pause for a moment and anticipate how you will feel 30 seconds from now or how you will feel if you act in irritation, you can then slow yourself down enough to choose a different response.

6. THINK ABOUT HOW THE RECEIVER OF YOUR RESPONSE, HOW WILL THIS FEEL TO THEM?

Put yourself in their shoes. Or maybe you’ve already been in their shoes. It’s not a great feeling. Try to use this to calm yourself and choose differently.

Hopefully, these tips were helpful and can save you and your partner or loved ones some hurt feelings.

If you enjoyed this article, please pass it along and for daily relationship advice, follow me @MyLoveThinks.com.

The post This is why you are snapping at your partner during COVID-19 and what you can do about it appeared first on Good Dating Book.

Here are some common statements that should sound the alarms that your partner may be resistant to change:

– I AM WHO I AM, TAKE ME OR LEAVE ME

– IF IT’S MEANT TO BE, IT WILL JUST BE

– I’VE TRIED EVERYTHING*, THIS IS WHO I AM (*ACTUALLY NOT TRIED MUCH AT ALL)

– I’D CHANGE, BUT YOU KEEP DOING XYZ

– YOU’RE JUST SENSITIVE, HIGH MAINTENANCE, HAVE TOO HIGH OF EXPECTATIONS, ETC.

– RELATIONSHIPS JUST SHOULDN’T REQUIRE THIS MUCH WORK

If you’re noticing frustration in your relationship when it comes to your partner being open to growth and personal change pay attention to:

-Is there a pattern of defensiveness when it comes to change?

-Is your partner ever receptive and open to change. When have you noticed this openness?

The bottom line is, most things can be worked on if partners come to the relationship with a willingness to develop and hear one another out.

So, if you notice any of these statements appearing up when you try to address any issues you have in your relationship, think about whether or not this is situational or a pattern.

It is understandable if someone sometimes gets defensive, or sometimes doesn’t understand your request for change, BUT if this is a pervasive pattern this is a BIG DEAL.

If you enjoyed this post, check out our free resource library and my instagram account @MyLoveThinks.

P.S. If you are noticing a pattern of resistance in your partner, it may be time for a big talk. Check out the post on Strategies for Managing Difficult Conversations.

The post Is my partner resistant to change? appeared first on Good Dating Book.

But fear no more, here is your guide to 5 easy ways to support your parter.

1.GET FIRED UP ON YOUR PARTNER’S BEHALF

If you’ve ever been accused of “not being on your partner’s side” or “not getting it” or “being argumentative” when your partner is upset, this suggestion is for you.

Most times when someone is explaining a situation that feels really unjust, he/she doesn’t really want to be told that their feeling is wrong, an overreaction, not helpful (after all “control the controllables” so true but an annoying response), not worth getting “so upset” about, or that you need to consider the other person’s perspective.

Usually what your partner needs is to feel UNDERSTOOD…that you are on his/her SIDE!

Your partner likely wants to know that you get it, that you are with him/her and that you feel fired up on their behalf.

Unless your partner has a pattern of aggressive or erratic behavior do not fear him/her being upset, rather align with them and express that you get why he/she is so upset. And when you express it, use your tone of voice to match what you’re saying..or else it can sound condescending.

Usually, this expression of “getting it” and being upset WITH your partner  all that is needed to support them in this moment and for him/her to move past it.

Some examples of what you can say include:

“I cannot believe that happened, that’s so frustrating!”

“I’m so sorry ________ said that, no one deserves to be treated that way!”

2.USE WORDS + ACTIONS THAT DEMONSTRATE THAT YOU ARE AWARE OF YOUR PARTNER’S WORLD + WHAT HE/SHE NEEDS

Feeling known is a major need in relationships. When you support your partner by articulating that you are aware of what he/she is going through or what his/her day looks like you are demonstrating support in a major way.

You are showing your partner that you really KNOW him or her. That you think of him/her throughout the day and “get it”.

Some ways of expressing this are:

“You must feel (fill in the blank) after your long day, how can I best support you?”

“The kids are relentless with their demands, you have to feel exhausted, why don’t you take a couple hours to yourself. I’ve got this.”

“I picked up dinner, I knew you had a long day and I didn’t want you to have to cook.”

“I know you have that work trip coming up, so all your clothes are clean and ready to be packed.”

3.USE WORDS THAT EXPRESS YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR PARTNER’S FEELINGS

This one is similar to #1, but should be woven into the fabric of your conversations with your partner, instead of just making an appearance when your partner is fired up.

So as you talk with your partner, listen for ways to express that you “get” what is going on with him/her. That you get what they’re feeling or why they’re feeling the way they are.

Some suggested statements are:

“You must feel so overwhelmed sometimes with all that you have on your plate.”

“You have to feel so helpless when you have to meet your quotas at work but your boss has taken away your power to make decisions about how to do it.”

“You must feel lonely sometimes being home with the baby all day.”

You get bonus points for following these statements up with things like…

“What can I do to support you through this?”

“What can I take off your plate?”

“What can I do to help?”

“What can I do for you in this moment?”

4.TRY MEETING YOUR PARTNER’S NEEDS BEFORE BEING ASKED

Ahhhh anticipating needs is the motherload of support, the jackpot, a skillset that you may or may not believe that you possess, but I challenge you to make this one happen.

Stereotypically women are thought to be better at this BUT anyone can anticipate needs by just raising their awareness and focusing some attention on their partner for a moment.

SO, close your eyes and think about what your partner is doing throughout their day. What may he/she be feeling? Experiencing?

Now if you were in their shoes, what would you want someone to do for you? Or say to you?

Try to come up with 2-3 ideas.

Then execute one of them.

Maybe it is just a statement of support because that’s what “does it” for your partner. Maybe it is a small gift. Maybe running an errand that he/she has dreaded and can’t seem to get done.

Whatever it is, you get major bonus points for making this one happen without being asked.

5.BE A PERSON OF ACTION NOT JUST EASY STATEMENTS LIKE “LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED ANYTHING”

“Let me know if you need anything” is such a common response that people give when they are wanting to sound supportive but aren’t really being supportive (or sure how).

Most people turn down generic offers of support, so instead come up with a few specific offers you can throw out there or practice JUST DOING instead of offering.

Some examples are:

“Hey, can I take the kids on Saturday? I know you haven’t had time alone in a while.”

“I put together your favorite snacks for your upcoming trip!”

Drop off a small gift. (this goes for friendships too)

Purchase/make  your partner’s favorite dinner.

Take care of a task that your partner really dreads.

CONCLUSION

Demonstrating support goes a long way in relationships to helping your partner feel loved, visible, valued, and appreciated. Hopefully this helps and if you do’t really know what your partner needs, check out this post: How to meet your partner’s needs in 3 easy steps.

Or download the free cheatsheet GET TO KNOW YOUR PARTNER’S NEEDS.

I’d love to hear, what ways do you show support to your partner?

The post 5 Easy ways to support your partner appeared first on Good Dating Book.

Sometimes these go well and, really, good for you. Healthy communication through difficult conversations is a massive achievement. ?

However, it is MORE likely that you will encounter common issues like defensiveness, vulnerability, feeling frustrated, feeling unheard, feeling dismissed, confused at what the issue even is, or just flooded with emotions.

So check out some strategies that can help you to feel more empowered and equipped to handle your next difficult conversation!

Disclaimer: Some of these may feel mechanical; however when your communication is not productive there may be a need to implement a more structured approach.

INSTEAD OF:

Going down a rabbit hole of disorganized complaints and frustrations.

TRY:

Try sticking to one main point or theme and do not get caught up in too many examples.

INSTEAD OF:

Focusing on the content or details of an argument.

TRY:

Talking about the process. Sometimes the process is a bigger deal than the little examples of content.

Aka HOW YOU ARGUE vs. what you argue about.

INSTEAD OF:

Talking so long you lose your point, your partner, or someone shuts down.

TRY:

Setting a timer and placing a limit on how long the discussion lasts. Create a plan to follow up later if more time is needed.

INSTEAD OF:

Getting overwhelmed and forgetting what you want to talk about.

TRY:

Creating an outline and writing it down before you start the conversation.

INSTEAD OF:

Having the difficult discussion when you’re in the middle of an argument.

TRY:

Waiting until you are in a good place to have the discussion. You and your partner will be in a better frame of mind to work things out.

INSTEAD OF:

Going through the same frustrations during difficult conversations.

TRY:

Creating an agreed upon set of rules for your discussions. For example, X is off limits or no raising your voice, or no pointing, etc.

INSTEAD OF:

Talking out your issues.

TRY:

Writing them down and passing it back and forth over several days. Some people can write what they cannot verbally express.

INSTEAD OF:

One upping, dismissing, or escalating during an argument.

TRY:

The SPEECH approach. Each person says their side and the other responds with a “thank you for letting me know” then you take turns. No back and forth just uninterrupted statements.

INSTEAD OF:

One upping, dismissing, or escalating during an argument.

TRY:

The DEFENSE attorney approach. Take turns. After you explain your side, your partner presents your perspective back to you in the SAME amount of time you took. Then switch.

The post Strategies for managing difficult conversations appeared first on Good Dating Book.

So….

• Does your partner go silent during a tough discussion?
• Does your partner’s tone change when having certain conversations?
• Does your partner get emotional when you respond in certain ways?
• Does your partner get defensive when you bring up a complaint?
• Does your partner reject your bids for affection?

The thing is that behavior is usually communicating something that your partner’s words aren’t.

So the question is, are you paying attention to what his/her behavior is telling you?

When you are baffled by a repeated behavioral response do the following 3 things:

1. NOTICE THE BEHAVIOR.

Just make a simple observational statement. For example,

“I notice that when I say x, you get really defensive. Can you tell me what that stirs up in you?”

2. IMAGINE THEIR PERSPECTIVE.

Imagine you are in their shoes. What does it feel like to be your partner in that moment, can you respond in a way that shows you get it?!

On the flip side, what behavior do you use to communicate? Can this help you gain some insight into what may be going on with your partner?

3. ADDRESS THE EMOTION.

When all else fails go toward the emotion and address it directly.

Something like, “I sense you are annoyed, when I say x.” or “It seems like what I said really hurt you.”

Then sit back and listen.

These three simple steps can go a long way to helping solve some of the miscommunications that so often happen between couples.

The post What to do when you don’t understand your partner’s behavior appeared first on Good Dating Book.

She presented to therapy because her current partner was physically and verbally abusing her. It was causing her significant PTSD symptomology and left her just completely bewildered how she could find herself right back in an abusive relationship after vowing to never be abused again.

This brings me to the last blind spot in relationships, which is probably one of the most understood and studied areas of adult relationships. Sigmund Freud called this repetition compulsion, which is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

Freud suggested that when someone has a painful experience in their past, they are likely to be attracted to relationships where similar patterns are replicated.

Why you ask?!

Freud believed that, at a subconscious level, they are attempting to rewrite the ending and change ultimately the pattern. However what often ends up happening is that instead of changing the ending, the problematic patterns just gets repeated.

You see this blind spot plays out a lot in abusive relationships. Meaning that someone comes from a history of abuse when they were younger and then finds themselves in another abusive relationship as a grown up.

There is a desire to do it better and differently but also a predisposition to end up in the same problematic patterns unless significant work has been done to repair it.

Does it only happen in abusive relationships?  ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Just take a second to reflect on your past relationships or even a friends. Do you see similarities in issues in those relationships?

Repeating the same pattern over and over again in relationships is a very common blind spot.

Don’t get me wrong, this compulsion or attraction to similar patterns, isn’t necessarily at the conscious level.

These attractions may be happening under the surface somewhere.  This is why it is so incredibly important to reflect on your relationships and look for patterns.

If you see a pattern among the partners you choose or similar issues crop up in your relationships, it is time take a look into your past and think about what may be impacting your relationship decisions, choices, and attractions.

Some questions to think about are:

• What key relationship in your life are you trying to do differently?
• What hurt are you hoping to repair?
• Or what ending are you trying to rewrite?

If you are able to identify answers to these questions, and the person with whom you had the difficult relationship with is still around, then consider a conversation with him or her about your past, and how it affected you.

The goal would be to work toward some sort of resolution for you or even just a cathartic experience of letting him or her know how you were impacted by that relationship.

If this is not possible, not safe, or not something that feels right to you, another approach would be to write a letter that is never sent to that particular person.

To put pen to paper and compose your thoughts, your hurts and the impact that relationship had on your life. The act of writing all of this down can be incredibly healing.

The next step would be to create goals regarding how you want to do things differently moving forward, and finally to establish a plan as to how to you will accomplish those goals.

This plan may include speaking with a professional, reading books, taking an online course, etc. But it should most definitely include gathering new information so that you can learn new ways of doing things in your relationships.

Here’s the thing, we all have work to do when it comes to our relationships.

And we all have a past that impacts how we act and think about our relationships. So take some time and reflect on yours and your relationship patterns.

Remember to write down some of the things that you notice that impact your relationship choices and set goals as to how you plan to do things differently.

We are shaped by our past but don’t have to be imprisoned by it!

If you haven’t already checked out the previous posts on blind spots…you can find #1 here, #2 here, and #3 here.

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